ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON!

I know, I know… I have not written ANYTHING until now. So sad, on so many levels, but we will get into all of that in a minute! I have to warn you that this is going to be a bit long winded so, if you are not prepared to read, what seems like never ending blog, I totally understand. No offense taken .
So, I have titled this bolg “All the lights are ON!” because the other day I had a MAJOR “Ah ha” moment that I believe will change how I live my life and how I live day to day. If you know me, you know that I have many of these moments, but I have a lot of trouble with the follow through. I have the “best intentions”, but it takes hell and high water for the actual follow through to come into play. This one to me is different. For the first time in my life I have come to grips and the realization that I have been wrong about my life for SO long! I want to share this because I think at different points in our LIVES we do the same thing and we never even realize it until something comes to a head and there is a major blow out or a huge mess in our lives that NEED IMMEDIATE FIXING. For me, it came in the perfect time, yet I now see the things in my life that NEED FIXING but the funny thing about it is that instead of dreading the fixing (like always!), I am excited and I cannot wait! I think when we truly accept things and grasp them, we really can have fun (yes, I said it!) in cleaning up the messes we have created. Okay, let’s get on with it!
For the past 100,000 years, I have found myself talking about moving to California and “doing something” with myself and my life. I have talked to so many people, (over and over again) about why my life is so disorganized, why I can’t seem to find a grip on things, my finances etc. and I find myself wondering, “Why is it all the same? Why can’t I seem to get myself out of all of this?” I found myself making excuses for why I was so unhappy with certain things in my life. I would say things like, “my job is what is holding me back. If I truly focused on acting and Improv, I would totally be out of this mess. If I focus on my acting career, I will make more money and not have to stress about finances.” I would have these conversations with my husband about what our family would need to do in order for us to achieve this “happy family” utopia. I thought that if I did all of these things that I would be truly happy. I know that this may sound corny, but I found out that none of that matters (sounds simple enough, I know). I am sure plenty of you have already found this in your own life and it can easily seem like a small thing, especially if you are living in what I just now realized on a day to day basis.
I was at my theater last night after a show and I was waiting for Idrissa to come and pick me up. He pulled up and I got in the car and looked over at him, expecting for him to be happy to see me. He was not smiling. I took immediate offense to this and was like, “what the heck? I haven’t seen you ALL day, and I can’t even get a ‘hello’ from you?” I asked him what was wrong and I turned around to see our two sons in the back of the car greeting me with huge smiles. I sat back and thought about my situation. I had been gone all day long at a gig that had lasted two days. I then had a show at the theater and I had to do two shows the next night. I thought about my husband’s sacrifices the last few months, just so that I could do what I love doing. He was home with the kids alone for 4 days while I went to LA to focus on my career and I only said “Thank you”. That’s it, just a “Thank you”. The funny part is, I felt like I deserved it. I felt that after “all” that I have given up for him while he coached football etc. that this was the least he “owes” me. My thoughts stopped immediately. BOOM! There it was, like a light coming from the clouds and the choir singing in harmony! I HAVE BEEN LIVING MY LIFE FOR MY OWN GRATIFICATION AND MY GAIN! All of my focus on my career and dreams of moving to LA and “becoming something” have been ONLY FOR ME. In my mind, I thought that if I was able to “focus on my craft” fully in LA, that I would be able to move the family down and we would be living happy, because I was happy. I started to think to myself, “Why do I do this?” and in here lies my revelation.
I have been constantly living my life in a way based on how things make me feel. I know this sounds horrible and hate me if you may, but all of my choices and my decisions basically all fall back on me. Here is an example. Taye is attending a wonderful school that we really love. This school is totally out of our price range, even with a partial scholarship, but I want him to go there so that he can have a leg up in the “school world”. Having Taye be successful in school would be wonderful, because this means he will really “make” something of himself. If he “makes something of himself” it will make me feel SO PROUD, therefore making ME feel good. This school tuition has made it difficult to pay bills and instead of looking at other affordable options for Taye, I have refused to look elsewhere, because in my mind this is the ONLY school Taye can go to in order to succeed. Crazy, right? I know. It didn’t sound crazy until now. I am actually totally embarrassed admitting this to you! Let me pull down my vale of shame before I continue writing… Okay, it’s on….Wait, I can’t see! Screw it, I just took it off! LOL!
I have always been the person who goes from thing to thing, not really committed to anything fully. Making promises to be at a friend’s party or an audition, then when push comes to shove, I flake out. I decide that whatever else is going on in my life is more important than what someone has invited me to do. Even if it fails in comparison and the things I have to focus on can really wait, I chose to let it go because “they will totally understand that I have a family and I have told them about the stress I am under”. That is SO WRONG! I have been so obsessed with the future and worries and stresses (that have been caused by my choices) that I tend to freeze and not want to complete tasks because they are “too hard” or they will take up “too much time”. This is why I believe that I do not tend to finish what I have started. I figure that I should ONLY be focusing on this goal that is a million miles away and that what needs to be done now has nothing to do with my ultimate goal.  Even with this blog, I told myself that I would write an entry once per week, yet I have yet to do so because I am too “busy” with watching TV when the kids go to bed. Oh gasp! What will happen if I miss this weeks CSI?! What if I meet Grisom one day, he will find out that I didn’t watch episode 50! I was wondering why I felt so lonely inside all of the time, no matter how many friends I had, it never seemed to be quite enough. I now know that this is because I have surface connections with a lot of people, but I refuse to dive in with both feet. I have been so affraid that nobody will like me that I have double booked, made too many commitments or just plain flaked because something else came along. I want to be totally PRESENT in every conversation. I want to give my friends and family ALL of my attention when in their company. I no longer want to be focused on “what else do I need to do later today? Go grocery shopping, cry, take the kids to the doctor, eat my feelings, weed the yard, work…” I want to be focused on the pleasure of being WITH people and experiening the love and “zen” that we work so hard to obtain. We spend our time in life, trying to obtain the feeling of PURE JOY. These are found in just the smallest things. For instance, for me it is waking up in the morning to find that Taye has once again snuck himself in our room in the middle of the night. I will lay there and watch him sleep, even if it is only for a minute. We look for these feelings by being successful in our career, buying a house, making money etc. But this feeling is offered to us EVERYDAY, in the simplest moments of saying to yourself, ” I could do this all day” or even just getting lost in something or someone (tee hee). Its NOT about how or where we live, its about the loved ones we surround ourselves with and the people we meet everyday. Its a kind word from a perfect stranger, or the smile from someone when you really need it. Its getting lost in the beautiful day and wondering if it could get any more beautiful. Changing my thinking has caused me to want to spend each moment that I have making the things around me positive, and I am finding that positivity is then given back to me. The joy that I was so despiratley seeking is given to me 10 times over. The insecurities I had melt away and I know that even in the simplest things, I am living MY purpose. Searching for this feeling constantly has made it difficult for me to grasp on to anything worth holding on too. I wonder why I don’t feel totally connected to my theater, when I am CONSTANTLY talking about how things in LA at another theater will be SOOOO much better. Like all of my issues and problems will be solved with a “quick” move to LA and a successful acting career. I have not been living in the HERE and NOW. I have this dream that is down the road and I find myself fantasizing about it and it takes me away from the things that I have RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I am DONE living this way. I am done flaking on people and myself. I will live in TODAY and here and now! And in this, I am excited. I am excited to grasp on to everything around me and make changes and cuts where they need to be made! I am excited to see what happens when I truly live selflessly and for others! I am excited to see something totally through to the end…or to completion or I am excited to be present and live openly and honestly. I am excited to live each day, truly FEELING EACH MOMENT and finding ALL of the bits of heaven while here on earth!
Oh, and by the way… Here are some updated pictures of the fam! Enjoy!!

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